Sunday, 22 January 2012

I, Vladimir, I have two ball now

Sergei, my brother, he has club, he has son, Vassilii. He three now. Vassili he ve-ery clever. He weigh 20 kilo, he big bastard like Sergei and Gregoriev. He nice to girls, like Sergei nice to girls and throw rocks at other boys he don like. He throw rocks at Gipsy and chicken too. Mamma Babuska, she lame like old donkey. She sit in chair and say, Vassilii, fetch Mamma Babushka water to drink. He fetch stick for Mamma Babushka and say, here Mamma Babushka, I fetch stick for you. Now you no fall over when you fetch water. See? He only three but he already know it Babushka job fetch water. He nice boy, love his Mamma Babushka and he is man soon. Sergei proud of him, I proud of him.

Sergei very busy all time with Bizness. He spend much time in back room Mamma Babuska’s house with other big bastards work for him teaching people he lend money to how do bizness. I think these extra lessons for stupid people no know how do bizness good but Sergei, he nice guy, he teach them. Bizness hard in Ukraine, I see that when people come out. This why I wan go small island UK, sell chicken and pig there. Bizness easy in small island UK.

I still wait bastard anhlíjs'kyj lawyer. Last time he here he say I must cut balls to be impotent so when I get in small Island UK I impress immigration man and I pay 5000 euro. This many chicken and I not happy. Sure, I smuggle more cigarette I get 5000 Euro but I want son like Sergei, my little nephew Vasilii who throw rock at chicken and gypsy and be real man soon. How I get son like Vasilii with no ball? How I get real white Babushka with blonde hair, like Ukraine babushka who not gypsy, with no ball? I not happy, I think anhlíjs'kyj lawyer think I stupid. He sell my ball to clinic in Kyyiv so other anhlíjs'kyj can get extra ball in clinic. Next he asking me for kidney.

OK, so anhlíjs'kyj lawyer want ball? Ok, I give him ball. I Vladimir, I no stupid, I have plan. So I go see Sergei, my brother with club. I say Sergei, anhlíjs'kyj lawyer say he want my ball before I go small island UK. He say I stupid. I say no, is true, anhlíjs'kyj lawyer say he want my ball and 5000 Euro. I get mad now. He laugh, his big bastards laugh too, they taking the piss. I say Sergei, look at me when I speak. Now he think I take piss so he beat me. I think mebbe he angry cos he think I want 5000 Euro. I say no Sergei, I no want 5000 Euro, I smuggle cigarette, I get 5000 Euro. I have plan I say.

He give me cloth, I wipe blood from nose. What plan? He say and sit down behind big bastard desk.

I have plan Sergei, I say, I want keep my ball so I make plan. Anhlíjs'kyj lawyer say he want ball so I give him ball.

Sergei, he look at me. His big bastards they laugh. I say, Sergei, they laugh at me, I your brother, why they laugh at me? He agree and tell big bastards to stop. They stop. They scared Sergei.

He say, Vladimir, my brother (I pleased) what plan?

Now I know Sergei my brother he help me.

I say, Sergei, anhlíjs'ky lawyer he want ball, no? So I kill pig and put ball in jar and give to anhlíjs'kyj lawyer!

Vladimir, Sergei say, (we speak Ukrainian now, you understand, I just translate on blog post so you understand, I learn English, make easy for you), Vladimir he say, you think anhlíjs'kyj lawyer not see these ball not your ball but pig ball?

Ha! I say, I fool anhlíjs'ky lawyer, I go forest tonight, shoot wild pig, they no have wild pig on small island UK, I know I check on internet. How he know difference between Ukraine man ball and wild pig ball?

Sergei get real angry with big bastards who work for him and send them out big office. I glad, I think they drink much Slavutych, laugh too much. I having serious talk with my brother Sergei, this no laughing matter, this my ball.

Sergei, I say, I no want Euro, you been good to me, I need gun shoot wild pig.

OK, he say, so we go to car he fetch AK from boot of big car, very nice, and give to me. Sergei, he my brother, big bastard, he has club, he nice man.

I go back to house Mamma Babushka and change clothe. Natalia,my niece she there I say, Natalia, why you here? She say uncle Sergei send her keep eye on uncle Vladimir. Sergei nice guy. So I give Natalia rucksack to carry and I carry gun cos I man. Then Uncle Gregoriev, say he want come too and take rucksack from Natalia put in extra Slavutych and bread and give sack back to Natalia.

It get dark and we leave, climb into forest. Natalia she say, we kill Gipsy? NO! I say. I horrified. We working, we shoot pig. Shoot Gipsy is sport. But she girl, she still no have teats, what she know?

We get to valley. Trees all side, open in middle. Plenty snow. Natalia long way back so we wait. Uncle Gregoriev, he roll cigarette and tell me how as boy he carry sack full ammunition for patriotic comrade partisan, kill many German. I say why German come Ukraine when they have nice pretty country, part of EEC? He say they like Russian and Amerikan, they want Oil. I no understand so I say, Uncle Gregoriev, I born Russian so he beat me and shout me so I agree, I now Ukraine man. Ukraine Oil belong Ukraine. He big but old and I not stupid, it all gas now, I see pipeline. Maybe he explain one day why Yulia Tymoshenko in jail right now for sell all Ukraine gas to Russia but I no come here now to get beat by Uncle Gregoriev, I hunt ball. Yulia Tymoshenko, she good Ukrainian Babushka, blonde hair tied up like good Ukraine Babushka, wave orange flag, she no gypsy. But she in jail. Maybe Uncle Gregoriev hit me harder than I think, I confuse so I bury face in snow.

Then we see wild pig. I see lots girl pigs. This no good, I need ball. Then I see real big bastard pig and I know he has ball I need. I wait. I good at wait. Sometimes Sergei make me wait with men from Bizness class in back room of Mamma Babushka house and make me show them Makarov Sergei give me so they not talk in class until it dark and they go home in boot of Sergei’s car. I very patient.

I patient now. Uncle Gregoriev and I very still. He patient too. Even though he has bad chest and Mamma Babushka say he need smoke more, he keep very quiet. Baby pigs come out of forest first and then girl pigs. Big bastard pig, he stay on edge of forest. It dark so he hidden in shadow so I wait. Come baby pig, I think, come, under snow plenty to eat in middle of valley, just dig under snow, come little pig. And they come. Sergei say I stupid, talk to animal. Sergei clever man, big man, he has club. So Sergei, I think right now, I take ball of this big bastard pig and give rest for all your little Babushkas, you make big party and then mebbe you say, Vladimir, my brother, he stupid, he talk to animal but he bring big bastard pig and he get his ball.

Now big bastard pig come out of forest. I see him clear, big bastard black against snow, he facing me so I wait. I pull glove off with teeth, I lying in snow. I think Uncle Gregoriev, mebbe he dead. When he alive he make plenty noise when he breathe, now is silent. I set sight 200. Big bastard pig move behind a Mamma pig, I wait, I patient. Then he standing there facing up valley, sniff air. He one big bastard pig, I never seen pig so big, he bigger than Yeltsin. 150 metres. I shooting down hill so I aim elbow front leg, level with snow so I hit him in shoulder. I take first pressure on trigger, let breath half out. Pig magnificent, he beautiful. He has many Babushkas, many Vasiliis and Natalias. He happy in forest. Sure he cold, I cold too but he happy. Why God not make me big bastard pig like him? I go small Island UK, I be happy too. I live big house number SW7 in village Kensington or mebbe with Saint in Wale. I need ball. I think, Sorry big bastard pig that look so happy, I need your ball, I squeeze trigger.

Uncle Gregoriiev, he stand up and start to cough. He spit many Black Sea oyster into snow and roll new cigarette. Natalia, she there too and she very happy so we drink some Slavutych (Natalia, she no drink Slavutych, she still no have teats, I tell her to suck snow. Ukraine man, we responsible). Mamma pigs gone. We find big bastard pig in snow. It clean clean kill and he dead. Uncle Gregoriev said I be proud, he kill many German same way. I sad.

Uncle Gregoriev ask me why I sad. He say I kill many pig, so why I sad? I say, Uncle Gregoriev, I no kill pig to eat this time, I want his ball for anhlíjs'kyj lawyer so I go live big house small island UK. He think I crazy so we drink some Slavutych and Uncle Gregoriev smoke some more. He big man, big bastard like Sergei, but his chest real bad from coal mines so he need all help he get.

We get home to Mamma Babushka’s house when sun come up. We stop many time because Natalia get tired pulling pig. Uncle Gregoriev he get angry, say Natalia, way to Mamma Babushka is down hill but I think he mad because we run out of Slavutych and when Natalia fell into icy river, Pravda newspaper in rucksack to roll cigarettes get wet. We get home, Mamma Babushka give Gregoriev last Slavutych she has in house and I give him pack cigarettes I smuggle. Turkish. Very nice.

Mamma Babushka, I say, you have glass jar? Glass jar with lid like when you make plum jam?

She say yes, she have glass jar with lid, same she make jam.

Give me jar please Mamma Babushka, I say and sharp knife and Russian Vodka. I go garden and hang pig on tree. He big bastard pig, I tired by time he hang in tree.

This real Ukraine pig. No, this best Ukraine pig. I wish my comrade Saint from Wale see this pig. His pig small, small like Wale. Ukraine big, like this pig. This pig big. I look ball. I go back inside, I say Mamma Babushka, you have bigger jar, jar with lid? She say what wrong with jar I give you? Is jar with lid, no? This what you ask for? What wrong with jar?

I say my ball no fit in jar. She think I crazy. Why everyone think I crazy? I have plan. I go small island UK, get big house number SW7 in village Kensington then Mamma Babushka, Uncle Gregoriev and Natalia come live with me while I get good job and Vasilii go good school learn Human Right Law cos he clever. I have plan, I no crazy, I just need big jar for pig ball to give lawyer so no lose my ball. Then I get little anhlíjs'ky Babushka with blonde hair (so no look like gipsy), keep chicken and pig. I tired but I no crazy. I have plan.

I say, Mamma Babushka, you have jar big like when you pickle big onion? Jar with lid? She say yes, she have big empty jar with lid.

I take big jar and cut big bastard ball off big bastard pig, put in jar and fill jar with Russian Vodka, put jar in snow behind chicken house. Ball, they very big, Ukraine big, Impress immigration man small island UK. I pleased, very pleased. I wait anhlíjs'ky lawyer and give him ball.

Vasilli he wake up. Uncle Gregoriev mad angry. Mamma Babushka tell him Slavutytch all gone and I pour last Russian Vodka over my ball. He think I crazy. I say, OK, Vasilii he wake up now, Natalia she tired, they need clean teeth. Uncle Gregoriev need more Slavutych, I go neighbour, she sell Slavutych and Coca Cola. Amerikan advert say Coca Cola good for kid, clean teeth and calm stomach. I in good mood now cos I have ball in jar in snow behind chicken shed and Sergei have plenty meat for party. I say I pay with money from last cigarette trip I make.

I take Vasilii and Natalia and go to neighbour. We meet other neighbour there. He bum. Only bum drink Slavutych this time morning. I show neighbour who sell Slavutych I have money so I not bum. Real bum, he has hat on. Vasilii say Spider man. Bum say he no spider man. Vasilii point to hat and say Spider man. The Bum, he get mad and say he no spider man. Vasilii still point hat and say Spider Man. This harder than get my ball. I tired too. All I want is get Slavutych for Uncle Gregoriev and Coca Cola so kid have clean teeth. I say, Vasilii, why he Spider man? Vasilii point to bum hat. I look. Is spider on hat. I say, Vasilii, what is spider? I know what is spider, I no stupid but I want know what special about Vasilli spider on bum hat. He say he show me. I say, OK, and punch bum cos he nasty Vasilii.

I have Komputer. I have blog and learn English. Vasilii real good on Komputer. He get all film Hollywood. We get home, he show me, I impressed. Vasilii get letter on Komputer from Amerikan Mr CIA say he want talk Vasilii about message Vasilii leave on Amerikan Defense Komputer about some plane that crash in Iran with no pilot. Vasilli show me how make reply. I say, I no stupid, you fly plane with no pilot, course it crash. Now you want Vasilii fly? He in Ukraine not Iran. The man CIA stupid but I not say so, I want go small island UK so I nice, I say tanks for job offer but Vasilii only three, still boy but he man soon, he already throw stone gipsy and chicken and I tell Mr CIA, Spider Man film real good, tanks.

I have good day. I get two big ball for anhlíjs'ky lawyer and hide in jar in snow behind chicken shed, I see real Hollywood Spider Man on Komputer and Vasilii get job offer from Amerikan Mr CIA.

I tired now I go bed.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

anhlíjs'kyj lawyer say I must be impotent before go UK

Bad day for Sergei. He steal Mamma Babushka Zil car, very nice, to do bizness in Sarajevo and Amerikan drop bomb on it.

In Balkans in Nineties, when I fight longside my comrade brothers in Yugoslavia, we see plenty Amerikan plane and always things fall off them, make big hole in ground. Kill many chicken. This not fair. They wan their chicken fight Balkan chicken, come over, not problem, we show them chicken take away. Babushka even cook them so last long flight home to Statue of Liberty. Why these planes fly over all time but not land in beautiful city Sarajevo? Sergei, he wait for planes at airport with taxi (mamma babushka’s Zil, very special), to show them good time when they get off plane if land, earn some money buy Babushka a present of kovbasa, the good kind wrapped in imported newspaper not local shit we make cigarettes from. Planes not land and bridge back to city suddenly disappear with big bang so Sergei he swim home and sleep with chicken. Mamma Babushka very angry car gone in ball of flame in Muslim area along with airport and bridge so Uncle Gregoriev hit Sergei with jack handle to keep Mamma Babushka calm. Sergei stay calm for long time. All way back to Kyyev when we go home.

Since then I not sure which eye Sergei looking at me with so when Gregoriev angry with me and tell Sergei to beat me, I not sure which way to jump.

Lawyer in UK say I must learn Human Right Law to get big house in village of Kensington. I study book he print from Komputer. He say Knowledge make me important.

If I go UK I must be impotent? This impress Immigration man?

He say, Yes.

I say, you impotent? He say yes, he very impotent, I can trust him he say. He has smart suit, real leather shoes, he look impotent to me. I say how much this cost, make me impotent and get me big house in village. He say five thousand Euro.

I say I think a bit. I mean, this big decision, this 2,500 a side.

He say I cannot beat Gipsy no more. This English law if I want big house number SW7 in village Kensington on small island UK. Ok, I Ukrainian, I no stupid. Secret police work same way. I no beat Babushka in street in front of neighbour, they think my Babushka got better of me anyway and they laugh so hard I have to kill their chicken during night so they stop laugh. Better I beat her in cellar. That way neighbour not laugh, I not get angry and in morning, still plenty egg to steal. So I need big house in village with big cellar so I can beat gypsy and no one notice. UK strange but I learn democracy. I read lawyer book.

I ask him this, anhlíjs'kyj lawyer, they have Gipsy in your village? He say no, they throw them out. I say, ‘How they throw them out?’, he say they use bulldozers. Bull Dossers? Bull Dossers, what is this? I know Dosser. Sergei, he Dosser, he built like bull too, beat me many time.

Sergei get job in UK beat Gypsy? You my lawyer, I say him, I pay you many chicken, not my fault you no want my cousin, she nice, you see mebbe two years she has teats. Sergei he pay you chicken? How come he get job in UK beat Gypsy an’ I still here in Ukraine? Bull Dossers.

No, not Bull Dossers, like Tanks he say.

Tanks? TANKS? Tanks for what? Why you tanking me? I pay you all my chicken, you no want my cousin and you kiss me off? You want I pay you $5,000 AND cut my balls? The guy sick.

My Babushka cut my balls for free but maybe I don’t get house in UK village so I don’ tell him. I Vladimir, I no shit guy. I stay cool.

No, he say. Not tanks. Tracked vehicles.

This man, this lawyer (he special, he say) he Human Right Lawyer from Europe. I should be impressed? He change his mind three time, first he insult me, call me bull dosser, then he try get round me and tank me, now he talk about tracks. I from Europe too. He stupid. All vehicle leave tracks in mud and snow. We follow tracks. I know tracks. You try catch chicken in Gaz-64 you leave tracks, plenty tracks, mebbe bash some silver birch trees but come home with no chicken or if you real lucky, butterfly chicken. I think he tell me that Sergei has job in UK chasing Gypsy in Gaz truck. No fair. Gypsy much easier to catch than chicken. Still, I cool. I read Going Gently.

I say my lawyer, why can’t I stay with this man in Wale who look after blind chicken call Frodo? His chicken house worse than Ukrainian village. I stay in one and clean rest. Sound nicer than SW7 village. I say I make mistake. We all make mistake, yes? I say I get angry with nice man from Wale cos he insult Ukraine and I say I bring Ukraine chicken to kill Wale chicken. I sorry.

This man like chicken I say. He like goose and dog and pig, he real Ukraine man. He say he nurse, he has beard like my babushka, he look like my babushka but he man. He probably big special nurse to deal with political prisoner. Now he give home to blind chicken call Frodo. In Ukraine, now communist gone, this man saint. My half brother Hippo speak Sergei on phone, say I insult Wale Saint so Sergei hit Vladimir with tyre wrench while Vladimir eating mamma babushka’s borscht. I understand now. I no live in village of Kensington, I live in village of Wale.

Lawyer he give good advice. He say Wale much more expensive than village of Kensington, I must pay more so I say, no problem, give me year, I smuggle more cigarette. He say he get back to me. He nice lawyer from England. I go Wale, live with Saint.

Why you insult Ukraine?

Ukraine Chicken beat shit out of Wale chicken anyday

One day I go small island UK and live in big house Kensington Village house SW7 so I learn English. I read blog by man in Wale. I like blog by Man in Wale, he keep chicken and pig like me. He nice man so why insult Ukraine? He take piss all time. He say his sheds for chicken look like village Ukraine. I mad so I write letter to him:


I Vladimir from Ukraine.

Why you compare small, small farm in tiny country with village in Ukraine? You been Ukraine? You ever come her, drink Slavutych (won gold medals, you won gold medals?) you seen Ukrainian chicken? You visit Ukrainian farm? We Ukraine, we say bad thing Wale farm? Why say bad thing Ukraine?

I spit on your chicken, Ptooh!!

You name place. I bring Ukrainian chicken, he kick shit out your chicken

Then I give Salvutych and we drink. In morning you stop nasty about Ukraine. Ukraine much bigger than Wale, Gregoriev say Wale men only Irish men who no swim. All Ukranian man swim, I show you when I bring chicken. When my chicken kill your chicken we swim Ireland, drink Irish Salvutych and swim back. Then I show you how build real house for chicken.

I read your blog, I think you nice man but stupid, You do work for woman, feed animal. You need Babushka. Mebbe I bring Babushka for you, no? She good. Beat her in morning she work hard and sleep with chicken when snow come and fry kovbasa in morning for you made from pigs you kill. All Ukrainian man like kill pig. If you no like kill, Babushka do it.

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