anhlíjs'kyj lawyer say I must be impotent before go UK

Bad day for Sergei. He steal Mamma Babushka Zil car, very nice, to do bizness in Sarajevo and Amerikan drop bomb on it.

In Balkans in Nineties, when I fight longside my comrade brothers in Yugoslavia, we see plenty Amerikan plane and always things fall off them, make big hole in ground. Kill many chicken. This not fair. They wan their chicken fight Balkan chicken, come over, not problem, we show them chicken take away. Babushka even cook them so last long flight home to Statue of Liberty. Why these planes fly over all time but not land in beautiful city Sarajevo? Sergei, he wait for planes at airport with taxi (mamma babushka’s Zil, very special), to show them good time when they get off plane if land, earn some money buy Babushka a present of kovbasa, the good kind wrapped in imported newspaper not local shit we make cigarettes from. Planes not land and bridge back to city suddenly disappear with big bang so Sergei he swim home and sleep with chicken. Mamma Babushka very angry car gone in ball of flame in Muslim area along with airport and bridge so Uncle Gregoriev hit Sergei with jack handle to keep Mamma Babushka calm. Sergei stay calm for long time. All way back to Kyyev when we go home.

Since then I not sure which eye Sergei looking at me with so when Gregoriev angry with me and tell Sergei to beat me, I not sure which way to jump.

Lawyer in UK say I must learn Human Right Law to get big house in village of Kensington. I study book he print from Komputer. He say Knowledge make me important.

If I go UK I must be impotent? This impress Immigration man?

He say, Yes.

I say, you impotent? He say yes, he very impotent, I can trust him he say. He has smart suit, real leather shoes, he look impotent to me. I say how much this cost, make me impotent and get me big house in village. He say five thousand Euro.

I say I think a bit. I mean, this big decision, this 2,500 a side.

He say I cannot beat Gipsy no more. This English law if I want big house number SW7 in village Kensington on small island UK. Ok, I Ukrainian, I no stupid. Secret police work same way. I no beat Babushka in street in front of neighbour, they think my Babushka got better of me anyway and they laugh so hard I have to kill their chicken during night so they stop laugh. Better I beat her in cellar. That way neighbour not laugh, I not get angry and in morning, still plenty egg to steal. So I need big house in village with big cellar so I can beat gypsy and no one notice. UK strange but I learn democracy. I read lawyer book.

I ask him this, anhlíjs'kyj lawyer, they have Gipsy in your village? He say no, they throw them out. I say, ‘How they throw them out?’, he say they use bulldozers. Bull Dossers? Bull Dossers, what is this? I know Dosser. Sergei, he Dosser, he built like bull too, beat me many time.

Sergei get job in UK beat Gypsy? You my lawyer, I say him, I pay you many chicken, not my fault you no want my cousin, she nice, you see mebbe two years she has teats. Sergei he pay you chicken? How come he get job in UK beat Gypsy an’ I still here in Ukraine? Bull Dossers.

No, not Bull Dossers, like Tanks he say.

Tanks? TANKS? Tanks for what? Why you tanking me? I pay you all my chicken, you no want my cousin and you kiss me off? You want I pay you $5,000 AND cut my balls? The guy sick.

My Babushka cut my balls for free but maybe I don’t get house in UK village so I don’ tell him. I Vladimir, I no shit guy. I stay cool.

No, he say. Not tanks. Tracked vehicles.

This man, this lawyer (he special, he say) he Human Right Lawyer from Europe. I should be impressed? He change his mind three time, first he insult me, call me bull dosser, then he try get round me and tank me, now he talk about tracks. I from Europe too. He stupid. All vehicle leave tracks in mud and snow. We follow tracks. I know tracks. You try catch chicken in Gaz-64 you leave tracks, plenty tracks, mebbe bash some silver birch trees but come home with no chicken or if you real lucky, butterfly chicken. I think he tell me that Sergei has job in UK chasing Gypsy in Gaz truck. No fair. Gypsy much easier to catch than chicken. Still, I cool. I read Going Gently.

I say my lawyer, why can’t I stay with this man in Wale who look after blind chicken call Frodo? His chicken house worse than Ukrainian village. I stay in one and clean rest. Sound nicer than SW7 village. I say I make mistake. We all make mistake, yes? I say I get angry with nice man from Wale cos he insult Ukraine and I say I bring Ukraine chicken to kill Wale chicken. I sorry.

This man like chicken I say. He like goose and dog and pig, he real Ukraine man. He say he nurse, he has beard like my babushka, he look like my babushka but he man. He probably big special nurse to deal with political prisoner. Now he give home to blind chicken call Frodo. In Ukraine, now communist gone, this man saint. My half brother Hippo speak Sergei on phone, say I insult Wale Saint so Sergei hit Vladimir with tyre wrench while Vladimir eating mamma babushka’s borscht. I understand now. I no live in village of Kensington, I live in village of Wale.

Lawyer he give good advice. He say Wale much more expensive than village of Kensington, I must pay more so I say, no problem, give me year, I smuggle more cigarette. He say he get back to me. He nice lawyer from England. I go Wale, live with Saint.